To my Ameerul

Dear Ameerul,

When you asked me this morning – B, what are you expecting when we get married? I was startled and don’t know what to respond. Of course I did changed the subject! You know me 🙂 After work, I called and you asked me again. The same question and totally in the right tone which I imagined earlier. And again, I changed the subject. But this time, you noticed. I know that I replied you in general – because I want to have a halal relationship with you and what not. But to be honest with you, I have the answer in my head all along. I know this would sounds cheesy but – there are no words to describe what I feel and what I expect to be married to you. It is very intimate (I know you and me are very intimate enough) which I, myself can’t even express or convey to you the real feelings. This evening, you made me promise to write to you my answer. I hope, by writing to you, it would definitely elaborate how I feel in the the right words.

To be loved by you is like the great feeling was sent by Allah to me. Everyday I feel so bless knowing that you will always be by my side no matter how high I stand and how low I crawl. Alhamdulillah. I didn’t even remember when did I first say to you that I love you. I know you remember 🙂 and I always try to shut you up every time you brought that story. Yes, I told you first. I was embarrassed before but little did you know I am proud for making the first move. What I know is, I remember I told myself – Maryam, he is definitely for keep! After that, you took my hands and we are here now engaged and another 219 days to be your Mrs. Yes, I looked at that apps everyday!

In our marriage, I expect that we would love each other like we are now. Like we were before when we was so young and naive. We would love like nobody is around us. We would love like when we were back in Manchester. My love to you will never fade and I hope you returning me with the same feeling. When we are married, I expect that we argue. Normal relationship got to have some argument. I am sorry to say that you are about to marry someone that have thousands of questions in her mind which need every answer, every clarification in any thing that she was told to do. She needs an explanation of why can’t she do this or that. And a little of advice my man, please have some logic answers and not a simple – because I said so!

Before I forget, I expect that we share EVERYTHING. I literally means everything from house chores to financially and to parenthood. Both of us has 50% shares in every single thing in our marriage life. Neither one is more nor less. I know we talked about this before and I have to repeat it again and again because I am terrified i I have to do (especially) house chores all by myself. I just can’t. Remember, we are in this together. I am your wife, not your maid. You are my husband and not my chauffeur. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours. I am expecting equality in our marriage.

I expect that we could be more transparent to each other. Let the past live before us and move forward living in the present. I hope there will be no secrets between us. I promise I will be truthful to you and disclose anything in the future. You and me, we are one. You’ll understand what I mean when the time comes 😉 When we have children, I expect you are going to be the cool dad. I know you know that I am impatient and headstrong everything has to go my way or my way. If I ever lay my hands to our children (you know children need to get discipline), please come to me and hug me. Remind me that you are there and everything is going to be fine. Please tell the children I am cool too! Tell them I am fun as well! Hahaha.

To be near to our creator is the highest expectation that I look into our marriage. Please guide me to the right path. Guide me to be the best wife to you. I want our family to be near to HIM. Don’t you worry, I will definitely help you out on this. You know what?! No matter how good or bad our marriage is, I expect that we have our back looking out for each other. We are in this together. We choose to be together and you know I expect a lot of things for our marriage. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

If nothing else, I hope you know that I love you with every ounce of my being. I hope you realise your importance not only to me but to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you. I hope you know that when you are feeling down, I only ever strive for your happiness. I hope you remember that no matter what, I am here for you and I am fully intend on staying in your life for quite some time. I hope you recognise the fact that I appreciate and adore you without restraints, and that this will never change.

I love you.

Maryam

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I Wanna Go

Last night I had a nightmare in a nightmare. Yeah, like inception – nightmare.

I had this dream and in this dream I got a clear message saying that my man will die in a car crash on this date. Bam! I’m awake.
I was so terrified but I kept the vivid dream to myself. On that date, he was not with me and I’m feeling very nervous but still keep it to myself. I don’t know why but I tested him and he didn’t reply to me. Kept texting but no respond. I gave up. Later, I called him and he picked up and was sobbing.
“Baby, where are you? Why aren’t you picking up?”
“Baby, I’m sorry, I’m in the hospital.”
*heart throbbing, I begin to cry*
“I’m in Serindit Hospital.”
“Please hold on, I’m coming”
*I cried. But very calm.*
Went to see my mom asking where is the hospital and she said it’s in Mersing. I dont know why I didn’t even tell her. I still, keep it to myself.
Then asked my cousins who happen to go to Mersing that day for a lift.
Of course they were very happy along the road but me just bitter and very worried about him.
Tested him.
“Baby, hang in there yeah.”
“Baby, please can you tell my parents and uncles that I love them and won’t be seeing them for a very ling time”, he replied.
“I’m coming to you now baby, I love you.”
“I’m afraid I can’t baby bear. It’s ok. I know I have love you and I am glad that we love each other so dearly. Not seeing you now is better because I won’t be seeing you crying and I want you to be happy. I love you Siti Maryam.”
That time, I burst into tears and my cousins was puzzled.
“Please can you drive faster? My fiance is dying and I need to see him.” I said to them.

Mom woke me up before I could finish the dream.

To my dear Ameerul, please don’t you ever leave me that way. I am not ready. We have a lot of plans that involves our little ones, little apartment, our little family.

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I wanna go wherever, whenever you wanna go wherever you wanna, I wanna go with you.

I love you Ameerul.

Lots of love,
Maryam

It’s not gonna be long

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One week of holiday clearly not enough.Been busy keeping up with my social life. Sleep in late every night (not complaining though) but I must tell you it is totally with it!
Seeing datuk everyday is always a pleasure. He is being himself – sweet, loving, funny and everything nice lah!
We were planning our life together and also, our lovely friends were discussing about our wedding.
Honestly, I am excited!

Toodles! Xx